I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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