I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
BRING THE BAGELS
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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