I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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