The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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