I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
