i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
