I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
