I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
