Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
