The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
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I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
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cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.