I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.