Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
