"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
