Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
