What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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