Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
