I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
