remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
