I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
