This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
