Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We're too hungover to prance.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
