I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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