I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My vagina is very pro this idea
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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