you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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