I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
