I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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