3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
