I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
