my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize