I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
