Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
