Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I will die if light touches me.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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