Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
