maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
