I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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