I met the friendliest cop last night
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
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Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
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Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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