Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
