Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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