saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i think i just naturally attract stoners
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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