the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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