I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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