I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
