Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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