some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
