fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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