She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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