Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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