Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
