Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
