One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
