pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka