i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.