there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
