i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
