He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
