Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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