Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
