we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
