I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
