the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
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I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
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thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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