I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal