so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
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and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
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I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do