I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
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You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
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It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport