woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.