Little spoons don't ask big questions
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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